I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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