you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
