I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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