why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
