the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
