if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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