The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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