Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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