I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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