the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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