dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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