im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
