Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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