Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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