If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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