Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
