I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You're like the curious george of whores
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
