she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
