wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
