the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Someone signed my nipple.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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