Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
