Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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