I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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