Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
