The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
