you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
