never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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