There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
