I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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