my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
