I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
