He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My life is pants optional.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
