sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
