What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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