i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
