If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
