Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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