6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
