Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
