No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
