I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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