At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
