We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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