Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
