i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
