The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
