I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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