You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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