Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
