....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You dont lie about slip and slides
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
