We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
